i have got to stop being this angry woman, easily lit-up. :::have to stop allowing myself these fantasies of getting in the car with some loud radio on & driving south.
today on the phone at work i caught my reflection in the glass at the reception desk. it was one of those scary, intermittent, heavy-handed moments, realizing holy cats i really am an adult, this really is what i do every day: i come to work & i do my job & it is revolutionary. i am an awkward, pale thing, with no social skills & an ivory-tower education in, of all things, looking at things & talking about them, & look what i have learned how to do. i have learned how to drive the clinic. lookame!
i'm allowed to say all these things because later this week i will open up a funny-not-schmaltzy hallmark card from my parents, which my mother will have signed for the both of them, & which will include a little note about how proud they are of "the woman you've become," & i'll put it aside quickly & light into the presents but maybe by then i won't be so angry.
repeat: renounce + enjoy. renounce + enjoy.
what a fine time! i love advent, it is possibly my favorite season, & i love the saints in december, john of damascus, nicholas, juan diego, thomas merton, john of the cross, of course our lady of guadalupe, i like to go to evening mass & sit in the darkish church amidst all the dull stained-glass, listening to the sound of hardly anyone else at all being there, thinking about the whole world & not being angry.
what a fine time, i like the snow, i like the bright blue sky on a very cold day, i like looking forward to my birthday. i like taking all bean's presents into the living room & putting on the monday-night mini law&order marathon & breaking out the wrapping paper. i fold paper like nobody's damn business. i like to watch jill hennessy out of the corner of my eye, hoping she'll wear her leather biker jacket in this one.
