now look how low / i've sunk / don't ask me to rise / i lost you when i was / high ..:.:.azure.ray..:.
there is only this song: going through my head, all morning, & now into the afternoon.
:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:in kentucky: i had strange wild illicit dreams about people i shouldn't be kissing; & bean couldn't breathe the whole time. it was frightening to lie in bed next to her & to listen to the clatter + whine in her chest. not to see her ribcage moving. (my poor parents: so afraid that she was just allergic to their house, their dogs. the scary thought that she could not visit there again.)
we sat in the car & drove through town a little bit & i pointed out all the things that used to be there. it sounded, in part, like this:
"that's where the coca-cola bottling plant was. there was a museum of memoribilia, & you could go inside & look at the koi in the pond."
"up until a few years ago, you could see from the road the hospital room where my brother was born."
"oh god. oh god. oh god. they cut down my tree. oh god. i can't believe it's gone."
suddenly i think: the tour of my hometown is a ghost tour. there was never anything there to begin with, but now there is just a pink-haired girl leaning out of a silver car, pointing at things that aren't there.
we drove around for maybe an hour & then there was the not-breathing & we went back to the house & slept.
:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:also in kentucky: signs to elect people named bobby mcgee (in hardin county) & presto ray (in grayson county) & holy cats, i'd consider moving back just so i could mark those names on the ballot.
:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:we didn't go to the abbey since bean couldn't breathe. we didn't see jane since we just slept all the damn time. we did see my parents' new cabin & it is fantastisch, yes yes.
:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:i need to do something about my hair & so i am going to get it cut tomorrow. i hope my hair-lady doesn't get mad at me for all the things i did to it in february, trying to get it red for boston.
dear jeff yesterday when we came back up into ohio & i watched the land get flatter until suddenly i realized that i hadn't noticed the threshold when it really becomes flat, all around, & i knew what you meant, about the ocean & the midwest, about church, about everything. & dear everyone i wanted to go back to the ocean. i don't care what scares me i want to go back.
