ohhhhh release that air.with this burnt-up heart i am standing waiting at the bus stop listening to �penelope� on repeat through the headphones because it feels righteous & helps me feel better, & as the bus pulls up, it occurs to me that it is pretty silly to feel vindicated & comforted by a song about a
goldfish.
:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:i cut him out of my heart burn burn it all.
i think the word "righteous" & all kinds of fuck-you songs come up into my head. i try to imagine hearing them all at once. i think about how loud we wanted the guitars to be, i'd like to hide in the loud.
:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:it's not an awful secret you know it's just a secret.
today at work l____ brought in pictures of her honeymoon: lots of shots of water, palm trees on beaches, ocean views. i kept wanting to say, "but weren't you scared of the ocean?" clearly she was not. she was standing in a sundress next to j__, both of them grinning foolishly happily.
but i had a dream that l____ was going to marry mischka instead, & i ran to her house & cornered her on the porch & screamed at her you can't marry him i am the one i am the one & she sat in her red leather jacket staring at me. i will never forgive you i will never look at either of you again i said. fine she said the sooner you get out of his life the happier i will be & i woke up frightened.
so when i let her wear my hooded sweatshirt today at work it was kind of a truce without her knowing it. how do you tell someone you dreamed her like that?
