no anthrax letters today. i came home to find an empty apartment, & i wonder where bean is. outside it is so ohio-grey-&-rainy. my pyjamas & the thought of writing you a letter are beckoning to me.
& all day i have been sleepy.
reaching out last night on the phone to friends in cambridge-mass & in texas. when what i wanted more than anything was to sit on some back fire escape with one of you, any of you, with the velvet underground & billie holiday pouring out of the apartment windows. just to let go, just to sit there with you & let go. meanwhile there would be no sitting outside apartments here, not with this kind of chill & with all the rain that came down last night. so that this morning too many leaves were off the trees. too soon, too soon.
� why do i always dodge the most important events? why do the things most significant to me become the things most secret in my secretive heart? & is this deception?
my heart is breaking & maybe someday i will talk about why.
but today i stood in the sono room holding the transducer over someone's heart. watching the pulse, on the grey screen. you all know how fuzzy that screen is. but i could see the pulse anyway, the contracting of the muscle.
