the little flower. the trail of tears. 1.X.2001 ::::: 17.08

how wonderful to go around the clinic this morning turning all the calendars to october, & then to come home & do the same thing. in the apartment there are four calendars. (this is an actual fact, & not a cocteau twins reference.) strangely, the one above bean's desk, which is probably the coolest one, with its bitchin' retro-ish models of rockets, was never turned from august into september in the first place.

& although i am sad that my brother decided to go back to louisville this morning, & therefore is not staying for the godspeed you black emperor! show tonight, i am still sort of spinny-happy from his having been here at all, in the first place.

(& now i feel caffeinated, too. i told jonathan when he was here that i should do a search to see how many times i have written about coca-cola.
themes in the diary, as far as i can tell:
� coca-cola.
� the bus. & riding on it.
� saints (always in spanish for no reason i think).
� love/hate. kentucky/ohio.
� general maudlinism.
� &. of course: red.)

:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:

so what i knew, already, for myself, was that to get through this september i would need lots of music along the lines of either uplifting (about anything bj�rk) or homo-breakup-pretty-songs (about anything stephin merritt): but what i didn't know, what i had no way of knowing until today (not even september anymore!), was that infinite jest was also just what i needed. which is maybe to say that AA clich�s are just what i needed this year. not to say that i have any sort of addiction (if i have, it is yet untapped, undiscovered, just lurking i guess). but that the clich�s are maybe holding me up.

or maybe it is just that i grew up with those clich�s. for a while my uncle had a bookshop in which all the books were about some recovery, in some way. for christmas i would get little magnets which said things like "relax. god is in charge" with a little cartoon of an empty director's chair with planet-earth drawn sort of far-off in the distance. this when i was about ten.