today at work dr b____ had to change the nitrogen & oxygen tanks on the N
2O machine. the closet in that room is full of empty & full tanks standing upright. he went to the closet & picked up each tank until he found one full one of each. as he picked them up & set them down they hit against each other, they all rang at different pitches. it sounded like bells in that room with the nervous woman waiting, with the rest of us standing around waiting for the bells of the tanks to keep going, keep ringing.
when i left work this afternoon i kept noticing how sincerely, sheerly gorgeous the day was. is. feeling the sun on my neck as i read at the bus-stop, squinting from the glare of the pages. (on the bus this morning absolutely everyone was quiet, staring in straight lines. not looking around. the newspapers for sale in the front of the bus. middle-aged men standing on street corners downtown selling the dispatch.)
we have not heard from tina.
birthday girl i love you. heart heart.
i am too shaken still to cook. tomorrow bean & i will eat only fruit, clean out, maybe clean the house too.
(last night i put myself to bed at 10:30. bean asked, "how can you be asleep now, with all this?" i would have to sleep at some point anyway. i felt, although i was asleep, that i could still hear everything they were saying on the tv. i know this was an illusion.)
� & i dreamt that mischka gave me a bottle of bombay sapphire gin to take with me to work. i got to work in the dark, poured a shot's worth of gin into my palm. it didn't spill out, seep through my fingers. i drank it as i walked down the stairs. l____ was sitting behind the nurse's station, the counter was scattered with candy. it was all dark. as i leaned over the counter i knew there was an actor with a machine gun hiding under the wheelchairs across the room. i turned around & all the bullets shredded my heart & i fell to the floor.
(when i woke up it was very cold & i had missed my bus.)
i sat across from him at the restaurant playing with my chopsticks, not eating.
