last night in the night i was struck by a sudden longing to move to the coast. to live by the ocean. the longing was still there in the morning & i sat on the bus with the mixtape-against-love humming into my ears, thinking about it.
i thought: i live by the ocean / and during the night.
i thought: i have bludgeoned your sailors / i have spat out their keepsakes
i thought: remember ericka you are afraid of the ocean anyway. i saw myself standing with my feet in the shallowest water, looking out, & feeling connected to every coast every depth. dangerous & dizzy.
i felt safe here, in this city in the middle of this state in the middle of the country.
�so i am being told to face my fears. i think about this:
Those storms of her own were the worst ones. And deep down in her heart the Fillyjonk was just a little proud of her disasters that belonged to no one else.
"Gaffsie is a jackass," she thought. "...And she doesn't know a thing about flowers. And least of all about me. Now she's sitting at home thinking I haven't ever experienced anything. I, who see the end of the world every day, and still keep on putting on my clothes, and taking them off again, and eating and washing up the dishes and receiving vists, just as if nothing ever happened!"Tove Jansson, "The Fillyjonk Who Believed in Disasters," Tales from Moominvalley
& this to me is the difference, which i always want to articulate, between fearless & brave. do i stare down the fears i have got.
do i leave this city. do i go north. do i work my way back to iceland. (there is a church called Stella Maris, in reykjavik. am i going.) (we are both afraid of the ocean. some vikings we are.)
�i go through all this / before you wake up / so i can feel happier / to be safe up here with you / safe up here with you / safe up here with you ::::: bj�rk
�& on & on: do i want to live in her city? do i want to live in this one? i don't get wanderlust like mischka does : i would like nothing more than to go home. but here suddenly: is this call to leave the flat & go to the sea, go north & head for the water.
�i live by the ocean / and during the night / i dive into it / down to the bottom / underneath all currents / and drop my anchor / and this is where i'm staying / this is my home ::::bj�rk
VSif this part of the city haunts you / i can think of far worse places / you'd be scorned and you'd be hated ::::sweet william
�but today in this city i sat in the bus with antilove songs in my ears & watched the rear exit door shivering on its hinge, threatening each moment to open unexpectedly �
