5.V.2001 :::: 23.26

my shoulder smells like mischka's shirt because he let me wear it to see memento (for the second time) with chris (for the first time) so that i would not get cold in the theater.

it was as fabulous the second time (the movie, not the shirt, which i had never worn before) as the first, & i came back to the boys' house and climbed onto mischka's bed & started pecking at him with all kinds of Questions About The Past.

& so i'd like to pretend that the movie didn't affect me. but it did.

my written-down memories are a crutch to me.

[[but i tried & tried & tried seven years to unravel andrea & look she was only a few scraps of string to begin with. & still i am fitting my past together with hers just in case i walk around a corner one day & she is there: i want to be able to recognize her, & to have something to say.]]

so i sat on his bed asking questions that didn't go anywhere, because i like to think i know my own history.

this from a girl who won't go back to the place where all her history is living, anyway.

>>>>which brings me to what i wanted to write about in the first place which is this: why i am a bad kentuckian

i did not watch the kentucky derby today

i don't know who won the derby

or who ran in it

i had no mint juleps

i hate bourbon

i hate the derby, too (i can say that. i worked at churchill downs on derby weekend for four years. spare me)

i hate bourboun & horse racing

six words: queer catholic vegan radical clinic worker

i packed up & crossed the river after all didn't i

:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:

here is reckoning in my lap although last night i had a dream i was running with her in my arms & managed to drop her into a river as i ran. it's nice that she doesn't begrudge me for it.

who in these realms of love
who by something blunt...
.::.l.cohen